It Hurts So Good: A Beginner’s Guide to Rough Sex

Why would someone want to have rough sex? There are several reasons why people enjoy rougher forms of sex play. Perhaps the most common is the extension of the dominance/submission role play that is inherent in sex, even in basic, “vanilla” sex. Some speculate that rough sex may also represent a psychological outlet for some people, perhaps by allowing them to release inhibitions or frustrations.

Finally, though people don’t usually associate pain with pleasure, it is well known that pain causes a rush of endorphins throughout the body. Many people feel a rush immediately after a painful sensation (largely due to the release of adrenaline) once they realize that there is no immediate danger. The removal of the “danger” aspect of pain’s source allows the body to sense the adrenaline coursing through the body as a pleasurable sensation. Because of this, pain inflicted during rough sex heightens the sexual experience.

Regardless of the reasons, some people like to explore ways to increase the intensity in their sexual activities. There are a variety of things you can do to make sex a bit “rougher.” You can tailor these and combine them to your liking (and the desires of your partner, of course).

1) Tearing/Ripping Clothing Off. Tearing or ripping a partner’s clothing off, especially panties or underwear, can be an excellent way to add a bit of roughness to your sex play, especially in those “heat of the moment” situations. You need to be careful, however, because some materials are fairly strong and you’ll end up tearing skin instead of clothing. You also need to make sure you’re not damaging something your partner values highly.

2) Biting. Biting your partner is an excellent way to spice things up a bit, and can be done with varying degrees of intensity. Perhaps the most common places to bite your partner are his/her nipples as an adjunct to the licking and sucking that you already do. Other places sensitive to bites include the neck, inner thighs, and butt cheeks and, in some cases, even the genitals themselves. The most important thing here is to not bite too hard, at least not at first.

3) Piercing/Pulling. Similar to biting is the pulling or tugging of someone’s piercings, if they have them in the right places. Many people have nipple piercings, for example, and having those tugged on during sex play can increase the eroticism in much the same way that biting does. Again, you have to be careful that you don’t pull so hard as to pull the jewelry out.

4) Hair Pulling. It is somewhat common for a man to reach up grab his partner’s shoulders during sex in the doggy position. The next step might be to reach forward and grab a handful of hair and pull it. Hair pulling can be used simply to inflict pain, express dominance, or you can grab a handful of your partner’s hair and use it to force them to go down on you, etc.

5) Swatting/Spanking/Slapping. The sensation of being swatted, spanked, or slapped causes a rush of endorphins throughout your body. Many people have long enjoyed being “spanked” during sex, at least lightly. Roughing it up a bit and making it a serious slapping of the butt can increase the intensity of your sex play. Having your breasts slapped is a step up from having them bitten, and you may wish to investigate this as well. Some people may even get off on having their faces slapped.

One thing you need to keep in mind is whether or not your activities will leave marks or bruises. Aside from issues that might arise from visible marks at work, someone (such as the police) might mistake marks as a sign of domestic abuse and arrest your partner. Your friends might suspect abuse as well.

6) Light Bondage Activities. Light bondage includes using things like handcuffs, ropes, and other restraints to subdue one of the participants. Doing this will allow the other partner to perform just about any sex act imaginable on the person who is tied up. Bondage plays into the primal “loss of control” fear that many people have, but under controlled conditions. You might wish to investigate using clamps on nipples, genitals, or other sensitive parts of the body as well. Even in the absence of any other equipment, holding your partner’s wrists or body down might be sufficient to rough it up a bit.

7) Throwing your partner around. This requires a great deal of trust and comfort and must be practiced in such a way that you don’t get too rough and end up breaking bones, causing bruises, or otherwise injuring your partner (not to mention furniture or anything else that happens to get in the way).

8) Rape Role Play. Many women (and some men) have fantasies of being taken sexually by force. Those unfamiliar with the psychology behind the rape fantasy often mistake this as someone literally wanting to be raped. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. The underlying idea is that, though the person is being “forced” to perform sex acts, in reality the “victim” remains in control. They can call a halt to what is going on at any time, or they trust the person “raping” them enough to allow them to continue whatever they’re doing.

Rape role play might consist of being tied up/down, and the other partner forcing them to perform sex acts, or performing sex acts themselves upon the victim. In some scenarios, there may be prior arrangements whereby one partner surprises the other one at a random time and “rapes” them. Any of these can involve some of the rough sex acts previously mentioned and others that the couple may wish to try.

Though rough sex may often involve pain, it is important to to know your own limitations and those of your partner. A safe word is a word or phrase that you can use to let your partner know that s/he’s going too far, and needs to back off. The word needs to be something that you don’t normally use during sex play. Pick a word and make sure your partner knows what it is and what it means.

Some people are quite content with basic, “vanilla” sex. They rarely deviate from one or two basic sex positions, and perhaps never push any of their personal boundaries. Some people, however, like to explore some increase in the intensity in their sexual activities. Rough, animalistic sex increases the excitement between the two partners, and can make the sex much more arousing and satisfying.

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